Energy Board Says Trans Mountain Pipeline Perfectly Safe As Long As It Doesn’t Carry Any Oil

The Out And Abouter

Canada’s National Energy Board today ruled that the Trans Mountain pipeline is safe for the environment, as long as it follows the board’s 1,432 recommendations – the first of which stipulates that no oil, bitumen, or diluted bitumen ever be transported along any part of the proposed 1,150 km project.  

“Oh God no, we wouldn’t recommend you put anything toxic in it,” said the NEB’s Head of Pipeline Re-Re-Reeassessments, Dr. Foulle-Nelson. “Do you have any idea how damaging that could be to the environment when the thing inevitably leaks? Jesus people, why don’t we just shove some radioactive waste through the tubes while we’re at it? Single-headed moose, and flightless beavers are so painfully boring, after all.”

The board’s decision comes after it was asked to double-check the impact of the pipeline on the many ecosystems along its proposed length, with a view towards finding a way to keep…

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